By Mark Wignall



When the African-American Rhythm and Blues singer Ernie K Doe recorded Mother-in-law in 1961 and made it a Billboard number one, I was 11 years old, and as much as I can remember I had no idea what the song was really about but I loved it as did, it seems, all of Jamaica.

It is said that when Doe sang it, his mother-in-law was living with him and there was much strife in his home. Although it was written by producer Allen Toussaint, Doe especially could relate to the lyrics whose opening lines would never earn kudos in polite company.

"The worst person I know; Mother-In-Law, Mother-In-Law. She worries me so; Mother-In-Law, Mother-In-Law. If she leaves us alone, we would have a happy home, sent from down below; Mother-In-Law, Mother-In-Law. Mother-In-Law, Mother-In-Law."

Hollywood has parodied the mother-in-law to such an extent that it seems new mothers-in-law could use the caricatured form from Tinsel Town as the trainer - almost like an entry level: Mother-in Law 101.

The question is, are mothers-in-law really these unwilling-to-let-go, invasive busybodies whose actions are inimical to the success of the marital union, or are they the exact opposite - supportive, delicately distant from the relationship and only willing to "intrude" if asked?

More important, is there such a thing as the typical mother-in-law whose intentions and actions can be expected? Are mothers-in-law good people or are they really "sent from down below"? Many of these questions are difficult to answer because the human condition is never predictable in the short or long term.

It seems to be a fact that women desire each other's company more than men want the company of other men. Put another way, while men may have close friends, they tend to be superficial in their interactions and conversations. Not so women, who will flesh out most aspects of their lives when they are together or on the phone. Daughters step it up a notch with their mothers.

When the husband's mother visits, unless he is a "maama man", the very last thing he would want to discuss with his mother is the state of his relationship. When the wife's mother visits, or as is the bane of husbands, she stays for the weekend, quite probably the first matter up for discussion especially in a new union is the state of the marriage. And it is usually the second, third and fourth matters not just discussed but psychologically rearranged in her daughter's mind.

"Is he treating you good, honey? Remember now, you can tell me anything. Maybe there's something you would like me to speak to him about." Danger!

The really invasive mother-in-law introduces to her daughter, without actually saying it, the idea of a joint ownership of the husband. As far as the wife is concerned, she owns 70 per cent of the husband and 100 per cent of the marriage. With all of that consideration, if she is weak-willed and her mother is the intrusive type, and worse, a failure at her own marriage, often that combination is a sure recipe for a total shattering of the union, thanks to the subliminal messages to her daughter. The mother-in-law wants that other 30 per cent of the husband and it can only happen upon the dissolution of the marriage.

"Honey, not just because he tells you he is faithful, it means he is. My little darling, that's how men are. Didn't Mommy teach you anything?" Danger!

Once the marriage sputters and dies, the mother becomes closer to her than before because that vacuum of loneliness is the perfect catalyst for the strengthened, renewed "bond".

If the husband is a weak man, it will never be easy for him to assert any "ownership" of his union because he is always scared of navigating between the relationship which exists between mother and daughter and any rights which he believes he has. This is especially inflated whenever worse comes to the worst - the long-term visit of the mother-in-law.

The visit means that bedroom noises will have to be muffled, the husband cannot wake up on a Saturday or Sunday morning, scratch himself and walk around in his ruffled boxers and, significant parts of the kitchen will be commandeered.

If the mother-in-law is a fundamentalist Christian and the husband is not, he would much prefer to leave the house entirely than listen, and worse, watch as she vibrates and stomps her feet while watching Rev Herro Blair and saying repeatedly, "Yes Jesus, yes Jesus."

Should there be only one television set in the house, the long-term visit of the mother-in-law can be a negative game changer for one's happy union. Two sets and two cable boxes mean that when mother and daughter are shouting at the TV, saying, "Such a bitchy woman..." while watching LMN, the husband can be in his bedroom, watching Rambo, a beer beside him and an "Enter at your own risk" sign on the closed door.

When the wife says on a Thursday morning, "Honey, Mommy is coming over this evening for a few days," the typical response of the good husband would be, "Ok, honey, a few days you say, not weeks, right?" In his mind, he is saying, "Ugh! Not again."

I have seen more invasive mothers-in-law ruin good marriages than I have seen caring mothers trying to patch up unions gone sour. The rich, pushy mother-in-law will shower her daughter with money, to the point that when the wife, flush with cash, says, "Honey, me and some girlfriends are going to Miami for the weekend. What you want me to carry back for you?" all that the husband will be able to say is, "Get me a framed, engraved copy of the lyrics of Mother-in Law. I'm keeping it in the bedroom."

The penurious mother-in-law also presents her own problems. Wife: "Honey, I'm lending Mommy $10,000. She is having some problems." Husband: (under his breath) "Yeh, she will pay us back by 2050."

The mother-in-law is a fact of life but men, never discuss politics with them, leave religion out of the mix and never, ever complain about your wife to her mother. Both will eat you alive should you do the latter. Men, if you live at your mother-in-law's house, you are committing marital suicide. If she lives with you, the marriage is headed for a slow, agonising death.

When the wife says, "Honey, Mommy is coming over for a few days," kiss her on the cheek lovingly then head to the gas station and fill up the tank.

Somehow, you know you will be spending a lot of time on the road.

PS: Re-read with a pinch of salt.

observemark@gmail.com

September 02, 2010

jamaicaobserver