By Rebecca Theodore

Onward, Christian hypocrites, riding to dethrone a president.

The glimmer of the tunnel lights reflect again and again on the buttons of their polished coats. Proud chins and eyes cold and dark and faces like stonework bear their loyalties to conservatism. Their expressions are marked in solemnity.

Then suddenly, as if without warning, the train derails in mid tunnel.

There is expressed unease and disdain, for every passenger onboard has a secret within and now the stories deepen and the baggage gets heavier on their backs.

“Stand clear of the doors,” the conductor announces in a tired voice.

Michele Bachman, ‘a flash in the Republican primary pan’ and avowed religious extremist, cuddles her suitcase and sulks in exasperation. Rick Perry smirks under his loaded baggage. Newt Gingrich mumbles and Mitt Romney winks as they pass on by, but Rick Santorum and Ron Paul stare at the other in disbelief. Huntsman is occupied with the happenings.

The smell of skeletons rotting, like in the catacombs. Sexual misconduct, marital infidelity, gay bashing, drunkenness lasciviousness, and tales of Niggerhead rock are all embarrassment to the Republican Party but Herman Cain clenches closer to the railing as if trying to hide his presence. Cartier eye glasses perch on his Pinocchio nose and devil-like horns form in his forehead, for he is the biggest traitor on board.

Accusations of sexual harassment and racism are running rampant.

“Please get out!” Ed Rollins demands.

Republican strategist, chief political adviser and longtime campaign manager to Michele Bachmann, he knows the rules of the game, even though he has been labeled a professional liar in the past.

“You are irrelevant, he bellows, pointing to Cain, “and the quicker you get out of the train the better it will be. You are marching to the beat of your own drum. There is no way you can be the nominee of our party.”

“I am not getting off the train so long as my wife is behind me,” Cain hesitates, “and as long as my wife believes that I should stay in this train, I am going to enjoy the ride.”

He looks around him and his eyes settle on Newt Gingrich.

If Cain has to go for adultery, where does Newt have to go? Multiple divorces and extramarital affairs have even crippled his psyche but his story is prettier because he is a white man and Cain is a black man.

Are our blacks really better than their blacks?

Herman Cain was never a serious candidate. He is riding the rails to make new contacts and friendships that sail. What a thrilling adventure! The Republicans are embarrassing and unprepared but they are still talking about marriage and family values as if this is the only passport to leadership.

How are you going to herald marriage rights for all when you clearly have no respect for your own?

And so families of midnight riders are eating their own. Book signings, fancy hotels, nice meals, and paid security can be ultimately paid for by campaign donations. What a clever trick! Who cares about integrity?

Herman Cain is no longer the flavour of the week. Will he be getting a job lobbying for Viagra?

It is now clear the Republican Party doesn't have any new ideas or any credible candidates. A 999 plan has turned into a 069 plan. As for me, it’s hot and sweaty down here and I have already started taking my clothes off. Maybe I’ll be featured on Fox news as a symbol of a degenerate nation.

The Republican Party is a joke. You don’t need to know much of anything at all to run for president in the USA. American politics is entertainment.

December 5, 2011

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